When I was deciding what to write about this month, the first word that popped into my head was death. It’s not something I notice myself actively thinking about but I’m going to explore the idea nonetheless. I want to die quickly, when I’m old, accomplished and fulfilled, with a legacy, unafraid, but mostly, I want to die healthy. I don’t know where I heard someone mention the goal is to die healthy, but I really do believe it. I try so hard to heal myself, especially these last 7 years or so. I’ve spent thousands on modalities, supplements, tests, vitamins, food as medicine, exercise equipment, and strive to surround myself with beauty, comfort, and ethically made items.
I used to be very afraid of dying and feel like I was about to die. This was especially true when I was doing hard drugs, drinking, and smoking weed. I thought I would crash my car. I used to even think I would get overtaken with rage and purposely crash my car into someone like one of my family members did. I remember once in high school doing mushrooms and I was so happy I thought I was going to die of happiness, like the movies. I was mostly thinking about American Beauty when the dad gets so happy and peaceful and then gets murdered. I equated peace and happiness to the end, which I guess makes sense in a way. It’s like thinking you’ve reached everything you’ve wanted to do in life so there is nothing left to learn or overcome so time to die. There I go talking myself into thinking like that again :-/
When I stopped using drugs, the feeling of being about to die overtaking my life ended for the most part. Life made me quit, I had “tried” for years but was never really able to.
About 2 years ago, I got a premonition that I was going to die at 44, when I started doing hot yoga it went away somewhat from the detoxing I think. When that wasn’t available, the feeling came back. I got an infrared sauna and it subsided again.
My greatest fear around death now is that I haven’t had any children and I have no one to pass anything on to or to care that I’m gone, no one to take care of me if I need help, no one to read my old journals or play with my old toys. I’m terrified I will run out of time and never get to experience the joy of having a family and I will wither away.
Which beings me back to the goal of dying healthy. The goal of dying healthy to be means living a life without pain and full of peace and wisdom. It means accomplishing the healing work I need to do. It also means passing that knowledge, peace and wisdom on to others. I hope I get the chance to do so.