He was precious, he was loud, I let him boss me around.  Words sung about someone I lost within the last couple years. A being who was so special to be. We shared such a strong bond even though he couldn’t speak English or any language at all for that matter. He did talk a lot, I don’t know what he was trying to say exactly, though I could guess. I wish I spoke meow. 

Kronos came into my life in 2015. I had been wanting a cat. Twice I had dreamed that I opened my front door and a cat came in and then that exact thing happened in real life. I’ve got a psychic thing going with them apparently. Growing up I had Mayble. She got a song of course (It's called Pyramid). 

I didn’t hold back my love for Kronos when he came into my life. I was obsessed, and probably slightly pathetic— yes, I am a crazy cat lady.  I first met Kronos when going over to my now ex-boyfriend Jeff’s house for the first time. He sat on me as we sunbathed together. He mostly was an outside yard cat at a house in Shoreline.  He meowed very often and loudly. Doors had to remain shut and he had to be watched so he wouldn’t do anything naughty. 

I ended up adopting Kronos as my own when Jeff moved in. He had to transition from being mostly outside to inside only. I lived in an apartment building on the second floor with no balcony. I enjoyed buying him a Christmas bow tie and a laser pointer and cat iPad app he played once. I took him to the vet which I think was pretty expensive. Turns out he had fleas and an infection from the fleas. That was why he had no hair on his belly. I definitely doted on him. I tried out all kinds of cat food, seeing which he liked best. We settled on primarily pouches of “My BFF” (my affiliate link if you want to try: https://amzn.to/3t5EJKs) They were a mess but he loved them so that’s what he got. Jeff and I broke up. My bond with Kronos strengthened. Over time, his hair grew back on his stomach and he became more and more demanding. A guy I dated after Jeff would joke about how Kronos was a rags to riches story and the cat who had forgotten where he came from. 

I considered Kronos a rescue cat since he needed a lot more care than he was getting. Jeff had also rescued him— from a worse situation. Kronos was the cat of a drug dealer in Seattle who neglected him. He had fallen out of a window as a kitten. He was left in bathrooms alone. It hurts my heart to think of him like that as a cute kitten. I wish I could have seen what he looked like as a tiny kitten. I never got to. Because of all the trauma he had growing up (I think this is why anyways), Kronos had a peeing problem. He would pee on mattresses, couches, towels, and rugs. It was very stressful and at the worst of times I considered finding somewhere else for him to live. Once, I even went to a pet adoption place to talk to them but I didn’t make it in the door. I started balling as soon as I got out of the truck. There was no way I could part with him. 

I moved from the apartment I had alone to one with a friend. It was an upgrade for Kronos. He now had a huge balcony to “parade” on that overlooked the 99 bridge. I was living there when the ride the duck accident happened. I had never seen so many 1st responders in my life. We lived there for about a year then went north to live with a new friend when things went south. In between places I took Kronos in my car a lot since I was avoiding my place. He came and spent the night with me at my friends in Gig Harbor. We were there on Valentine’s Day when did this photo shoot(my friend Natalie took the pictures). 

The place I had Kronos in the Licton Springs neighborhood of Seattle was another upgrade for him. We had a yard and he went outside a lot but would sleep in my room on a window shelf. I loved waking up and looking up at him. His peeing troubles happened there. We had to get rid of a couch and I had to wash rugs a lot. My roommate was, not surprisingly, pissed (pun intended). I had told her about his problem before moving in and I bought new couches but it was still very frustrating. I ended up transitioning him to sleeping outside which was tough. He meowed so loud and for so long trying to get back in for a couple weeks then was good. He had a heated cat house with a front and back door on a raised bed with another bed underneath it. I called them his summer and winter homes. 

When I moved from there with my current boyfriend, we got a daylight basement apartment close by. This was where Kronos really came into his own. He patrolled the area and was adorable doing it. Lots of people walked by our front door and would pet him. My neighbors loved him and were happy to look after him while we vacationed. Some neighbors met him, then me. It was four-plex. I know he loved it there, but the next place was even better.  After 10 months, we moved to our Northgate townhouse. Kronos had his OWN yard. The first few nights there Kronos would wake us up at 4am. He had figured out where our bedroom window was and would meow up at us. It was cute but also annoying. He loved running and walking around the yard. We asked our neighbor to watch him when we were in Texas and the Caribbean. When we came back she had upgraded his cat house. He had an extra roof, a raised wooden platform, and another blanket. Our neighbor loved animals and would feed the raccoons which we had often as visitors. They never bothered Kronos, he didn’t seem to notice them really. They would be right next to each other and he wouldn’t even acknowledge them. One raccoon came in our house even and took some snacks. 

Kronos did not care about hunting. I saw him think about going after a bird for about 4 seconds total. He would get playful sometimes. He liked to be chased which was so cute.  I loved how vocal he was. He meowed a ton. I captured some on video and included them in the music video for the song I wrote for him called “Miss Him the Most”. He was such a deep loving soul and so sweet. He knew when I was having hard time and needed cuddled—which he did especially one New Year’s Day while I binge-watched Christmas movies with a massive hangover. As my life improved and I quit drinking and smoking, so did Kronos’s. We shared so many ups and downs and I’m so grateful to have had him as a companion. Kronos was the most human-like pet I’ve ever encountered. He was precious and unique like a snowflake. I’m not even gonna try. I know I never will replace that guy. He is the one I miss the most.    

When Kronos started to die, I did my best to help him get better. Any food I could get him, twice daily saline injections, anything. I don’t know how old he was. I thought I would have more time. I didn’t. The end was so painful. I cried myself to sleep. I wanted to die it hurt so bad to lose him. He made one last move with us, saw the new place— the creek, the animals, and that was it. We buried him in the pasture. I made “Miss Him the Most” during this time. It was very helpful to deal with the trauma and pain, I hope it means something to you too. Listen and Buy :Miss Him the Most Watch: https://youtu.be/zUPj2E12_K0

Last April I found out about something I’ve never even heard of when my doctor told me I had it. If you know about my diet, you know I’ve been working on fixing leaky gut for years. It can be very restrictive or not as much depending on how well I’ve been doing with my supplement regiment and testing.

So… when I got the news that I had SIBO despite my hard work my diet was going to get more restrictive I was very upset. I was now not to eat any fruit, garlic, onion, condiments, fermented food, alcohol (well no big deal there), sugar (I was already doing that so whatever), no dairy or gluten (those are easy), and only certain vegetables. I’d have to download an app to check which vegetables I could and couldn’t eat as well as starches and grains and I could only eat small amounts of those grains. It was a lot to take in.

I do like getting rules about what I can eat, following them is like solving a puzzle to me. I was starting to get over it and look towards the future of what I could have and focus on that. I had forwarded my boyfriend the new food selection. When I saw him he seemed more upset than I was! It was not helpful and pulled me out of my positive, moving forward venture. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor so he could ask her the questions I didn’t have answers for.

The next day I got online and did a couple grocery orders of things I could have so that I knew I had options. I found brands that made salsa and seasonings for what’s called a FODMAP diet. It’s where you don’t eat any foods with any types of sugar which was essentially what my SIBO diet was. I also had to order treatment supplements from my doctor which were not cheap(neither was the test). SIBO stands for small intestine bacterial overgrowth. Basically their were bad bacterial in my small intestine and I had to stop eating anything they could feed off of. I was highly motivated to fix my problem.

I did not stray from the diet or supplements.

After 3 weeks I felt a little better and had lost a few pounds. I was unfortunately one of those people who gained weight during the lockdowns. A liver cleanse last January had knocked off 7 pounds taking me to 132. I was still bloated and just not where I wanted to be which was 117. This was one of the reasons I got the SIBO test. The other was that I was having bladder pain. After checking to see my bladder was fine, the SIBO test was the next thing my doctor suspected and she was right.

I kept up with the diet. It got easier. I continued to lose weight. I got to my target weight of 117 which felt amazing. I had resigned myself to just being overweight and thought there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn’t overeating and I was exercising(not that much, but some), and the weight just wouldn’t got away—until I did this. Besides looking better, I felt way better too. I was falling asleep faster and waking up less groggy. Those a-holes in my small intestine must have been getting in the way of my gut/brain connection because once I started treating this I could “trust my gut”. I knew what the right decisions to make were and I didn’t spend time debating in my head about what to do or feeling confused. I keep going with the diet and I surpassed my weightless expectations! I was wearing cute shorts I hadn’t been able to fit into for awhile and crop tops. I was 10 pounds lighter than my goal weight.

This whole experience was a huge reminder to keep digging if I can’t figure out what is going on until I have a solution. It also showed me to mention things to my doctor no matter how insignificant they are. If I hadn’t casually mentioned I was having bladder pain, I never would have figured all this out. I’m so grateful for my functional medicine doctor and also to myself for doing this work. 

Here are some before and after pictures of my stomach. The first ones are embarrassing but I wanted to show you guys anyways.

I’ve started a new habit that has improved my life greatly. I’m feeling calmer, more in control of my mind and body, able to think clearer, and more sure of myself.  I don’t worry as much, and I don’t worry about the effects of what I’m doing. I can keep doing this and the world will go on. Answers can wait. Conversations and messages too. I think what I’m doing will inspire others and perhaps already has. When I told one friend about it, his eyes lit up and he told me, “That’s a great idea”. 

What is it? Well, I’m doing tech breaks 4 times a week. On three weekdays I go without using tech for the first 2 hours of the day and on one weekend day I go for 4 hours without using tech. A couple of the most striking benefits is that I don’t feel like I need to get on my phone or computer as much for the rest of the day and when I do use devices, I am more intentional and regulated with my use. I’ll stick to the reason I got on my device and my to-do list way better than if I wake up and go straight to checking email, the windows I left open, random scrolling, or in search of my dopamine hits via notifications. 

The two hours on weekdays goes by pretty quickly. I’m finding myself picking up the house, writing music, practicing singing, playing piano songs, getting ready for the day(sometimes I wait awhile), going on walks, cooking breakfast(sometimes I wait awhile to do that too), or reading a book.  At first, I sometimes feel like it’s going to be a long two hours but sometimes I’ll end up going even longer. When I do check my phone, sometimes I have hardly any messages and others times I have a few which could have easily waited those couple hours to be replied to. Keeping in mind that the next day I can go straight to my devices is helpful. I also give myself the freedom to switch the days I do it around or make exceptions if I have a monthly meeting. 

Going the 4 hours on a weekend day is a bit more challenging. I find myself wanting to look up answers to questions and things to do more often especially when not at home. I’ll have a bit of anxiety going that long I noticed. I am aware and honest with myself about the fact that I definitely have phone and computer addiction. So I’m working on it. I know it’s unhealthy. My mind craving those little bits of excitement like a slot machine, keeping my body in positions that cause tightness and discomfort that lead to pain, and feeling like the world will not be able to go on if I don’t reply to someone right away. 

This morning I picked up, had a cup of tea and read a story from the big book, went on a walk, cooked breakfast, sang a little, then ate and typed this. It going to be a great day. I’m using technology to improve my life and it’s not using me.

Hey everyone!  So I know I said I would post a blog every second Friday and I totally missed this month!

I've been running for office and it's been a bit too busy!  There has been so much other typing I've had to do which has been filling up my capacity to type. If you know me, you know that I've been struggling with carpal tunnel and TOS for awhile and I have to be careful.  I'm hoping to get back to blogging soon!  I took down some of the more controversial blogs that I wrote before deciding to file for office since the seat I'm going for is non-partisan.  The guy I'm running to replace is very divisive and I don't want to be like him! 

My campaign site: www.abbyforkenmore.com 

I thought it would be silly to post a blog today since I'm releasing a song today too.  Special thanks to Robert Neil for editing this for me!  Check out his podcast and music. 

Seattle, June 11, 2021 -- Do consumer choices, toxic food, relentless advertising and poor communication contribute to anxiety? If we decided to acquire food, products and other items ethically, would anyone notice or care?  Can we hold ourselves accountable?  Those are the questions Abby London explores in her upcoming single release “Anxiety.” 

The song opens with the line “Maybe I have anxiety because I ruin other people and the planet.”  It’s a forlorn ruminative question Abby London contemplates as she considers the affects her purchases have on the people who manufacture the products she buys, as well as the destructive path those items may take to get to her.  Does the tension and stress of the creation and the journey transfer to her body and mind?  Is that why pills seem needed to control dismay and dejection? 

This song is a poignant look at how our own choices contribute to our anxiety and depression -- what we choose to buy, what we choose to eat and how we choose to communicate.  It’s honest about being lazy, inhumane, intermittently motivated and of having a lack of self-discipline.  Some may think the song is about relying on rules and regulations when, in reality, it’s about changing oneself. 

Experience these introspective ponderings set to catchy electric sounds, soothing vocals and unexpected moments. 

“Anxiety” will be available on major platforms and abbylondonmusic.com June 11th. The music video will be available June 22th. In the music video, London wears a dress made with trash, goes grocery shopping, sings next to a big hole in the ground, binge watches ‘The Office’ next to a mountain of pills and hangs out in a hot tub in a trash bikini. 

About Abby London 

Abby London self produces live shows that artfully combine keyboard, guitar, video, dance, costumes, comedy, drama and special guest actors and musicians into an immersive audience experience. 

Her songs are introspective and political.  She has been played on local radio stations and indie podcasts.  She has been interviewed by radio talk show hosts, podcasters and bloggers as well as being featured on KOMO TV.

When I was deciding what to write about this month, the first word that popped into my head was death.  It’s not something I notice myself actively thinking about but I’m going to explore the idea nonetheless.  I want to die quickly, when I’m old, accomplished and fulfilled, with a legacy, unafraid, but mostly, I want to die healthy.  I don’t know where I heard someone mention the goal is to die healthy, but I really do believe it.  I try so hard to heal myself, especially these last 7 years or so.  I’ve spent thousands on modalities, supplements, tests, vitamins, food as medicine, exercise equipment, and strive to surround myself with beauty, comfort, and ethically made items. 

I used to be very afraid of dying and feel like I was about to die.  This was especially true when I was doing hard drugs, drinking, and smoking weed.  I thought I would crash my car.  I used to even think I would get overtaken with rage and purposely crash my car into someone like one of my family members did.  I remember once in high school doing mushrooms and I was so happy I thought I was going to die of happiness, like the movies.  I was mostly thinking about American Beauty when the dad gets so happy and peaceful and then gets murdered.  I equated peace and happiness to the end, which I guess makes sense in a way.  It’s like thinking you’ve reached everything you’ve wanted to do in life so there is nothing left to learn or overcome so time to die.  There I go talking myself into thinking like that again :-/ 

When I stopped using drugs, the feeling of being about to die overtaking my life ended for the most part.  Life made me quit, I had “tried” for years but was never really able to. 

About 2 years ago, I got a premonition that I was going to die at 44, when I started doing hot yoga it went away somewhat from the detoxing I think.  When that wasn’t available, the feeling came back.  I got an infrared sauna and it subsided again. 

My greatest fear around death now is that I haven’t had any children and I have no one to pass anything on to or to care that I’m gone, no one to take care of me if I need help, no one to read my old journals or play with my old toys.  I’m terrified I will run out of time and never get to experience the joy of having a family and I will wither away. 

Which beings me back to the goal of dying healthy.  The goal of dying healthy to be means living a life without pain and full of peace and wisdom.  It means accomplishing the healing work I need to do.  It also means passing that knowledge, peace and wisdom on to others.  I hope I get the chance to do so.

I have been overworking myself.  I think it’s a combination of different things.  I started an excel spreadsheet to keep track of how many hours I work, which has been great in many ways.  I discovered I’m not lazy!  I’m spending close to 40 hours either practicing, doing marketing, or teaching.  I started to feel better about relaxing when I wasn’t working.  I think where it’s got me into trouble is that I want to work more to compete with myself.  I love watching the Excel formulas I made do their magic, adding up the hours, seeing what my business owes me, and seeing how much I can make in a week.  I’ve found myself ignoring my body’s pleas to stop working, saying to it, “just this one more thing, then I’ll stop.” Then I’ll work on stuff for another half hour.  What will happen is the side of my wrists start throbbing, looking at screens starts to make me feel sick to my stomach and twitchy, then the irritation sets in- and the disappointment and shame.  I wonder why can’t I just keep going?  What can’t I work as much as I want?  I really just need to stop!  I started off good today.  I didn’t  look at my phone or computer for the first couple hours of the day.  I stretched and did exercises and used a resistance band.  I also used a precision massager.  Then I said I was going to work for an hour and get on the treadmill and sauna.  I worked for two and half and then only got a mile in on the treadmill and 10 minutes in the sauna at 90 degrees before I had to leave.  Not great.  But not bad.  My other huge overworking motivation was trying to plan a show and a single release at the same time.  I was letting that be my justification for working too much.  I realized week before last that it was extremely unsustainable.  I wasn’t going to be able to keep my house in order, exercise, or be pleasant to be around if I kept it up.  Since I hadn’t announced the single release date online anywhere,  I pushed the single release out and decided to focus on my show and my regular commitments.  I debated even doing a blog post since I’ve be overdoing it.  Writing about how I’m overdoing it is a good compromise.  I can’t spend so much time on the computer and my phone.  I’ve done a ton of healing work with an upper cervical chiropractor this year and have had some massive improvements.  This last month of overworking myself on the computer and phone had me going downhill again.  There is no reason for it.  I’m not working for anyone but myself and I’m in control of what is healthy for myself.  I could even work as many hours and just spend them smarter, like practicing, exercising while listening to a podcast or watching a marketing video, picking out costumes, etc.  From now on, I’m going to begin my mornings with my trusted friend, the resistance band :-)

I have completed one of my three New Year’s resolutions which was to buy an infrared sauna to improve my health.  I had been looking online for new and used saunas for a couple months.  I first learned about infrared saunas from my doctor who used to have one at her office.  After I would do intense emotional therapy sessions, I would use it to help detoxify my emotions in a physical way.  I would also use it to loosen up before a massage.  I love going to spas that have them along with steam rooms, dry saunas, pools, etc...  I haven’t used them as regularly as I used to when I was doing deep emotional work at my doctor’s old office.  At best, I would make it once a week sporadically and, at worst, every 6 months!  Going places and paying to use saunas is so time consuming and expensive.  I went a couple times in December during my liver cleanse and since I got a Groupon it wasn’t too bad but it was thirty minutes round trip.  My last nutraevaul (it’s a blood test that tests me for nutrients) had me high in tin!  I actually quit drinking canned water for the most part and have been taking a chelate supplement in the morning and night.  I also messaged the canned water people to ask about alkaloids being in the aluminum and they said yes, they can have them.  I don’t eat a lot of canned food so that’s really the only thing I could think of that would be making me high in tin.  The infrared heat has so many benefits pain relief, detoxification, weight loss, mental benefits, good for the skin, and more.  I was going to hot yoga when the lockdowns started and feeling great.  It had taken me a long time to build up the courage to go to yoga since I can’t do so much stuff and it’s embarrassing (see blog post “I can’t do down-dog”).  Having the studios closed for pretty much a year has been a huge blow to my health.  I definitely felt toxic before I started going. Once I was going I felt like I was living instead of dying.  When the CCP virus emerged my doctor sent out a to do list for virus prevention.  One of the things to do was sweat for 20 minutes everyday. I had not been doing that which I know is very irresponsible.  I had also gained about 17 pound over the year year which was incredibly irresponsible as well.  I did, regretfully, fall into the trap of blaming my governor for my weight gain and lack of exercise.  Although I know I could achieve weight-loss and sweating through moving my body I knew having an infrared sauna would make it that much easier to break past those obstacles. I had seen some used saunas for $800- $1500 online and new ones for $1300-$1500.  I didn’t want to pay practically the same for a used one as a new one so I was very happy to see an infrared sauna on Offerup for $400 one day.  I messaged quickly and didn’t hear back.  The next day it was $700.  I messaged again that I would buy it for that.  The gal selling it said she priced it too low initially, something she realized after getting tons of offers.  She had someone coming to look at it later that day and if they didn’t want it, it was mine. Luckily the person changed their mind!  It’s probably important to note that I am very friendly when using Offer up which I think is how I got next in line.  I use happy faces, LOLs, and exclamation marks.  I got in my boyfriend’s truck and we ventured off south of Seattle to pick it up from a couple in Federal Way or Kent.  They were very nice.  They had barely used it and already taken it apart.  Having recently moved and not used it much they didn’t want to set it up in their new place. I handed over the cash and we all loaded it into my boyfriend’s truck and were on our way.  I got it set up about a week later due to needing enough free time and clearing space to put it.  I happen to have a long narrow bedroom and there is space for it next to the bathroom door.  I used it the first night and unplugged it, when I plugged it back in, it wouldn’t turn on.  I was so scared it was broken.  After fiddling with it, it came back on.  I will not be unplugging it from the wall again! I’ve had it for about a month and using it 4-5 days a week so far.  Some of the saunas I’ve been using have a built in TV screen.  Mine doesn’t so I set my iPad on a stool outside the door or I read my Epoch Times newspaper or I can listen to a CD or radio since it has speakers and a stereo.  So far I feel calmer and less pain though I do think it’s going to take some more time of using it before I feel like I’m living and not dying again.  I’ve built up too much toxicity from not exercising and sauna-ing during the lockdown (my fault.  See “Your health is your fault” blog post).  Nevertheless, I am doing something about it now!

Your health is your fault is something I heard on a podcast and it has changed the way I think about my health and healing.  I have heard similar saying like “it’s all in your head” which I took as good news and bad news. But this one made a bigger impact.  My health is my fault.  I’ve recently started reading a book called Solving the Auto-Immune Puzzle (I have Leaky Gut).  There is a part in there about learning to listen to your body.  This is something I have not done enough of over the course of my life.  I allowed myself to continue doing things that were bad for me and ignored the consequences.  One of the big ones was staying in jobs that were harmful to my body.  I could go on and on sobbing about how bad they were.  In one case I did inform the job that I was dealing with excruciating pain and that I needed ergonomic changes.  Those needs were not meet.  Did I protest?  Not much.  Did I continue to work there for many months?  Yes.  Did I go home and lay on the ground and cry because I was hungry and in too much pain to make food for myself?  Yes.  Did I tie towels around my elbows so they wouldn’t bend while I was sleeping?  Yes.  Did I wait 9 months for a new chair that didn’t hurt my back? Yes.  Am I bitter?  Hmmm you tell me. Oh jeez.  See what I mean about my sob stories?  I can acknowledge all I want the faults of others for the pain I have experienced.  That is not empowering.  It sends me into a blaming cycle where the only good outcome would be a lawsuit.  Mmmm lawsuit.  I could buy so much therapy. But…  That blaming doesn’t make me feel any better.  You know what makes me feel better?  Blaming myself.  Because ultimately, it’s my fault.  I didn’t listen to my body and I didn’t stand up for myself.  But I can now. 

*the actual quote is by Gina Florio and is "your life is your fault" I just remembered it a little differently